Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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