Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I know her cup size but not her name....
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
