Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
