I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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