I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
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It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
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I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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