She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
Remind me to call McDonald's to give a good review of Ruth. She truly demonstrated grace under pressure.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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