nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
