you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
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