someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
i drank out of a bidet.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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