Just cropdusted the office
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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