i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
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I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
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I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
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