ya dads aren't the best wingmen
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
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