I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
