my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
