it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
3pm strippers are depressing
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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