these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
