if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Mind blown. Apparently, it's PRErogative, not PERogative. I blame Bobby Brown.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
