remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
You are a booty call, not a friend.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
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