I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
