I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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