Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
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