Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Bang-toberfest begins!!
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
