Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
