Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
