tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
