i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Randomize
