I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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