i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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