How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize