why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Randomize
