The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
What happened to fro yo and sex?
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
