so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
