I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Randomize
