p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
