Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
