So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Randomize
