I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
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