....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Randomize
