Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
