Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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