Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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