bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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