smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
also I saw his dick in the morning light and it was glorious. Like staring upon your birthday cake you ordered from heaven and going " can't wait to eat that later"
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
