I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
