Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
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