Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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