Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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