i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
