A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Randomize
