You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
