I have demons in me.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
