i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
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