Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Randomize
