The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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