She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
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We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
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I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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